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24 things a groom-to-be probably doesn't want to hear

Written by Katie Byrne, published 1st february

Whether you're a member of the bridal party or simply a wedding guest - do NOT let these words pass your lips...

On hearing you're engaged...

"Finally plucked up the courage, did ya?"

"She's pregnant, then?"

"Went quite low-key with the proposal, didn't you?"

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"This is the beginning of the end of your life."

"You know she's way too good for you, right? Why are you laughing? I'm not joking."

"Honestly? I'm just surprised she said yes. She must be desperate."

"When I propose, I want to do it kind of like how you did it - but bigger. And with a nicer ring."

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On your wedding plans...

"Has she turned into a bridezilla yet, then?"

"How much are your mum and dad chipping in?"

"No point wasting all that money when you'll be divorced by this time next year. Haw haw haw."

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"I can't believe you actually care about flowers. Or stationery. Or cake."

"You're wearing a suit? An actual suit? You know that people will think you're on your way to a court hearing, don't you?"

"I've looked the bridesmaids up on Instagram and - well - I'm not impressed. Who am I meant to hook up with?"

"My speech is going to make you want to DIE, mate. No, literally. Die. You will be dead."


On the stag do...

"All I'm saying is this: pack a snorkel. And your National Insurance card."

"If you had to be rescued by a sexy firefighter or a sexy nurse, which would you pick...?"

"You might want to go to bed, but you've got to keep drinking, mate. Don't make us tie you to the bar stool."

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"You won't believe some of the photos I took last night, mate. No - not gonna show you. I'm saving them to a memory stick in case I ever need to blackmail you in the future."

"What happens on tour stays on tour, eh?" *conspiratorial wink*


On the wedding day itself...

*Coughs loudly and hilariously when the officiant asks if anyone has objections to the marriage*

"You know that if you cry, I'll never let you forget it. Like, ever... No, really. Ever."

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"I'm the Best Man - and if you want to see pictures and hear stories from the stag do, come and find me by the bar later on..."

"The bridesmaids definitely look better after a few JagerBombs."

"Your mum looks quite hot in her hat. Talk about a MILF."

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